Greg Bales

Status Updates 2009

I find the status update and the tweet intriguing genres. Because they are founded on formal brevity, at their best they represent a revival of aphoristic speech, wit and wisdom returned to us (and licensed by Facebook for dissemination and profit). I don’t claim to be one of the genre’s better practitioners, but I do think it’s fun to play with. What follows are all of the status updates I posted to Facebook in 2009.¹

is cleaning the cat drool off the cuff. · is cleaning cat drool off the cuff. · could not stop at one bowl of cereal. · is finished editing for the day. · : Head must. come. off. · will start working sometime this morning. · will begin working sometime this morning. · saw Neko Case’s boobies! · will first rip your liver out, then, as your skin turns yellow and you slip into a coma, feed it to ravens. (Tis the only way to placate the gods.) · is no longer feeding ravens livers. · hates when good people die. · appreciates the fact that the landlord pays for snow removal. · is baking a cake! · slept through the blizzard (if it came here at all) but woke up to –7ºF temps! · was surprisingly calm while the car careened into the ditch. · has a passport! · has a car that won’t start. · still can’t get the car to start. · is finally resigned to the fact the car is probably not going to start until Saturday. · has resigned to the fact the car will probably not start before Saturday. · is resigned to the fact the car will probably not start before Saturday. · would much rather work from home again than ride the damn bus. · would much rather work from home than ride the damn bus in. · watched Fitzcarraldo. · marvels at the rarefied air Barack Obama is in: all symbol, no man. · would have you know: This is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into. · loves the Shakers for “Simple Gifts.” · IVE GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS · does not always get mathematicians’ jokes, and it shows. · WILL THIS DAY NEVER END?? · WILL YESTERDAY NEVER END? · WILL YESTERDAY NEVER END? · would have NetFlix’d Forrest Gump if he had wanted to watch another movie about an idiot manchild, rather than waste $17 on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. · is making a pretty big spreadsheet. · was up much too late last night to be awake at this hour. · is coffee’d up! · has done too little public speaking of late. · goes to the dentist in one hour. · really must stop checking the Internet every 5 minutes to see what’s new. · needs lots of cash. How will he get it? Go! · has clean teeth! · is buying too many Pepsis while at work. · is drinking much too much Pepsi. · understands your pain. · doubts it. · wants a banjo. · thought The Last Supper a fine adaptation of Arsenic & Old Lace. · is really charging too little for freelance editing, despite what some might think or hope. · is really charging too little for freelance editing, and must be reminded of that fact periodically. · has legs that ache. · one chapter down… · just can’t shake this feeling that he’s nothing in your eyes. · is back at the spreadsheet before hitting another chapter. · says: red hair & black leather is my favorite color scheme. · has lost an annotation, and can now no longer remember. · is reading German translations. · had one poop bag this morning, but Newton dropped twice. Fortunately, the second was on Summit St. Take that, ritches! · wants to know whether you have taught Toulmin arguments. If so, how well do your students understand warrants? · fell flat on his ass on the ice at the park and has the bruises to show it. · fell flat on his ass on the ice at the park and has the bruises to show for it. · just lost a job! Dagnabbit. · lost a job, but not the one that pays the bills. Just to clarify. · broke a nail. · is prickly. · is listening to Of Montreal over teh intarwebs. · nearly had an arm ripped off by a squirrel-chasing dog. · has been incorrectly using the abbreviation “cf.” for years. · overslept by two hours this morning. · is still employed! Woo hoo! · OMG it’s been too long since i’ve listened to Sinatra. · will be in Searcy March 6-8! · only likes you ‘cause you’re sexually appealing. · coifs the raven—nevermore! · could drink more grenache. · was disappointed by the absence of a montage of directors thanking themselves for their awards prior to Danny Boyle’s win. · wonders at the level of self-importance it takes to believe the thank yous are indeed worth producing montages of. · there’s strong, and there’s COFFEE STRONG. · is one more kid that will never go to school, never get to fall in love, and never get to be cool. · eats yogurt. · thinks having a secretary to make travel arrangements is nice. · regrets not being independently wealthy. · curses Wellmark Blue Cross/Blue Shield. · don’t want to work in a building downtown. · doesn’t know which book to root for in this year’s Tournament of Books. · still thinks red hair and black leather is a good color scheme. · is finishing a book! · walked to work! · is a data-entry machine! · ♥s Girl Scout Cookies. · regrets that Nile Valley is gone, but Ali Baba, despite the cheesy name, has excellent hummus & baba ganoush! · looks forward to seeing the aged-Ps in 2 days! · wants Michelle Obama’s arms. · did not shoot the deputy. · operates motor vehicles with aplomb. · is in Searcy. WTH are you, D——? · would like to know how Aunt B has managed to be so elusive for 10 years. · found Aunt B and was surprised to learn that Elmo, though deaf and blind, still lives. · noticed the security cameras are freaking out. · noticed the security cameras freaking out. · has an itinerary for Orlando! · can’t even remember if we were lovers. · has a two-bedroom hotel room with a kitchen! Thanks, work! · has been in Orlando for three hours and already hates it. · is struck again by how good Michael Clayton is. · Anyone wanna trade a relatively new & loaded 15” MB Pro for a new 13” MB? · feels better for having had pad thai and Kirian Ichiban. · missed the space shuttle. · is clean-shaven again. · unwinds. · trips the live fantastic. · I wonder whether a correlation between Myers-Briggs personality types and learning styles truly exists.² · My iPod battery is in the red; how long before it dies? I say 15 min.³ · Downloading hundreds of free songs from SXSW is more fun with reviews of each song · doesn’t really care what quiz you took when. · After years of avoidance, I am now reading Dickens. Specifically, A Tale of Two Cities. I like; but his history sure is grandiose. · On Day 2 of a quest to drink no more afternoon Pepsi. Properly speaking, it is not a quest, though I expect a road of trials any second. · French toast-flavored ice cream tastes like breakfast. · I am sorry to hear that Buckle Down Publishing is packing up shop in Iowa City. · Explaining how to write directions is really hard. · “I’m gettin’ high for Jesus ‘cause he got so low for me” makes such a brilliant refrain. · Day 3, and pop free—but I want high fructose corn syrup, and how. · We’re heading to the Des Moines Arts and Botanical Centers for the afternoon! · At the Java House, a man behind me is sucking snot, noisily. · This is just 2 say I’ve spent the $ that was in yr 401k & which you were probably saving 4 retirement My Jag is exquisite so comfy & so fast · University of Michigan Press is abandoning the print monograph. (Finally!) · It is an afternoon for ill-humor. · According to an email I received: teh gays have formally announced, “All ur dictionaries are belong to us.” · Sometimes I wish for heavy equipment to drive. · I should really stop avoiding the proofreading I must do. · Falafel is an underrated food group. · Three nights of focused distraction are over. · To do: 1) run 4.7 km at a slow enough pace for N pee on all the sprouting bulbs. · Inadvertent tautology by BBH on Quiverfull: “People write their lives for a psalm that seems written just for them.” · One of these days, I’m gonna sit down and write a long letter. · Shaving this morning, I missed a spot just beneath my nose. I can’t stop touching it. Damn you, Mach 3! · The end of this day will be welcome. · “Otherwise evil-adverbiously” is today’s best modifier. · What would compel someone to write 20 pages and never hit ? · I am at a loss what to do next. · It’s OK to eat fish because they don’t have any feelings. · This service renews my faith in humanity. · Today’s adjective, boys & girls, is “malefic.” · FTR: Three people walking in, singin a bar of “Alice’s Restaurant” and walking out is an organization. ORGANIZE, & the simulupdates stop. · Three people walking in, singin a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and walking out is an organization. · Hearing Brent Runyon read from The Burn Journals on This American Life is always nerve-wracking. · I wonder if lolcats will ever be peer reviewed. · “Cherub Rock” just came up on shuffle, reminding me that I first listened to “Siamese Dream” while on a morphine pump in Jonesboro. · When the local Chipotle opened, students lined up for blocks to get burritos. Tried it a few weeks ago, and meh! It’s not that great! · Today’s lucky modifier is “perseverative.” · Is Friday over yet? · Today I work from the coffee house. Three-eighths of the rest of Iowa City is here, too. · Pastries want to be free. · The results indicated that spontaneous implementation intentions medicated the relationship between identification and exercise. · The expanse between carelessness and shamelessness is a place no man should find himself happy to contemplate. · RESOLVED: Running on snow and ice after the first day of spring IS BANNED. · The dog is barking in his sleep. · In honor of the spider who spun the lustrous light catcher in my window, today’s adjective is “cobwebbed.” · Pack light, but wear stiff boots, I always say. · If I contribute to Iowa Public Radio every fall, why must I be made to listen to the fund drive every spring? · I saw a muskrat In Ralston Creek this morning. He swam away quickly. · I have two blue shirts whose only difference is that one has white buttons and the other, black. I much prefer the shirt with white buttons. · “Tumescent” is today’s adjective! Use it proudly! · In point of fact, T—— S—— cannot read this message. · Give it up for today’s lucky adverb, “hierarchically.” · Mom called early this a.m. No time to talk, but wtf, she got married again?! DEVELOPING… · Talked to mom again. It’s not Martin, it’s Martín; he lives in Ozark and is a packer for Tyson. I… am speechless. · Mom called again to say she doesn’t know anyone named Martín and that she didn’t get married again. It an April Fool. Gah! I’m so stupid! · I remain deeply embarrassed for Iowa that a moron like Steve King represents the state. · Today’s adjective is “jackleg.” Why? Because of this and this. · RADIOACTIVE ISOTOPES WILL NOT BE CONTAINED IN MY LEADEN HEART. · The Iowa Supreme Court website is borked. · Via JS: “Iowa Supreme Court says state’s same-sex marriage ban violates rights of gays and lesbians.” HOORAY! · If you haven’t yet downloaded the NPR Music podcasts of Andrew Bird concerts, do so now. · May your weekend be nice enough to take advantage of today’s adjective, “umbrous”! · I can say with confidence that I do not have chlamydia. Can you? · “Propitious” is today’s adjective for good reason. · Whoever designed killingthebuddha.com is too clever by half. I want to marry him/her. · Time to buckle down! · I have purple risotto for lunch! · You wish you were at a devotional, don’t you? · I know your hormones like the back of my hand. · How will Iowa farming ever move past chemically enhanced monocultures? · Dear Ibuprofen: I desire your analgesia always. But it has been days since we spoke. Please come back. I cannot bear my day without you. · The recession just swung too close and unwelcome by. · Every 30 minutes or so, our secretary’s cell phone vibrates. Buzz-buzz-buzz, buzz-buzz-buzz, buzz-buzz-buzz. · If today’s adjective were “Jamesian,” how cool would that be? · Seid umschlungen, Millionen, Diesen Kuß der ganzen Welt! · While I looked around for my possibility, I was SO hard 2 plz. · I carefully counted out enough dimes from K’s wallet to buy a pop. Then, at work, I was a dime short! But I found the dime in my pocket. · Help send a good photographer to document HIV/AIDS in Rwanda for Physicians for Social Responsibility. · Announcing layoffs on Monday altogether ruins the rest of the week. · Beethoven makes evening work easier. · The best thing about the National Organization for Marriage is its acronym. · Today’s modifier is “salacious.” Use it well! · Red Avocado is for celebrating! · At the Java House, Aerosmith is playing over the speakers and the woman at the table in front of me is watching a movie on Netflix. · I’ve got someone on my mind, but she don’t make me wait the way you do. · Ah, cold coffee. · yesterday(7 mi. + wild goose chase) + today(5 mi. today + river hike) = tired dog. · How “A Tale of Two Cities” ends is obvious ⅓ of the way in. I’ll finish it, but I regret having lost the chance to be surprised. · Last week’s episode of “Hearing Voices” features Andrei Codrescu, drunk, explicating one of his poems. It’s pretty great. · Adjuvant. · FTR: King Philip would have refused to sit at the campfire with Brando and Pocahontas. · I put my helmet on, but I took my protein pills first. · Overheard: THEY WANT TO MAKE OUR NEIGHBORHOODS VIOLENT, JUST LIKE THE ONES THEY LEFT. · I am kinda tempted to take in the spectacle, or lack thereof, of a tea party. · A full day of misrepresenting data is exhausting. · I can has a bike ride to work? · Already, I can tell tonight is a good night for gin. · Be on my side, and I’ll be on your side. · Sunday is for freelance marketing and Web design. Not necessarily in that order. · I am still debating whether the “let me be your freelance editor” letter I am working should have testimonials. · I am making vegetable stock for tonight’s dinner and listening to This American Life. · Mmmm gin. · Dickens, I will defeat you. · MY BREAD HAS MOLD! · Riding down the 1st Ave. ext. from Rochester is thrilling, but I am sure someday I will fall face-first and ‘neath the wheels of traffic. · I get to play with absolute positioning! Yay! · At Heyn’s a few minutes ago, Kathy described my complexion as “ashen.” · I know that wind is god’s way of cooling off the world, but biking in 40 mph gusts is not my idea of a good morning. So I didn’t. · Today I wear heavy mascara for Robert Smith’s 50th birthday, but I need melodramatic keyboards and an undulating bass line to complement it. · I have had about enough of spreadsheets. · It has been noted before, I’m sure, but boxers are not the ideal underpants to wear biking. Also, my legs were almost useless this morning. · A Tale of Two Cities is melodrama, but Dickens his due: it has wonderful set pieces. The storming of the Bastille is primo. · When allergies attack! · It is true I need to get a strip of velcro to tie my pants leg down so I don’t have to wear a bicycle-chain hatches and cross-hatches. · The French Revolution doesn’t get nearly the credit it deserves. · With dew in the spider webs, wrens wrangling territories in song, and a dog running out his freedom, Hickory Hill Park was lovely this a.m. · The Bolshevik Revolution doesn’t get the credit it deserves. · I need Xacto blades. · Very soon, I will be riding downtown for a meetup at the Red Avocado! · Saw two members of the Hickory Hill turkey flock this morning. Newton missed them both—to his great disappointment, I am sure. · Time to shut the Internet down. There are thunderstorms tonight. · The American Revolution is given more credit than it deserves. · Cabbage-laced lentils, kale, and gingered potatoes make a fine, fine supper. · Storms make the digital TV hiccup. No “Legend of the Seeker” and its “simple woods guy” for me… · Josh Ritter can sure write some lovely songs. · Apr. 27 is a bright new day for Iowa! · K is not up yet, but so far, I do not feel as if the sanctity of our marriage has changed. Perhaps when the county recorders’ offices open? · K says she thinks our marriage is stronger. I am partial to the notion, but there is time yet for everything to go to hell. Stay tuned. · Despite the temptation toward polyandry by Mr. L—— (who really should ask himself WWBAD), I am still not in favor of it. · 1.10 pm: Licenses have been given and couples married. My wedding band has not dissolved. Perhaps it’s protected because it is a rare metal? · Obama’s plan to eliminate FFEL & offer direct student loans and Pell Grants is one of the best proposals he’s had. · Odd: everyone I work with seems oblivious to the fact their marriages may be in danger. Meanwhile, my own marriage still appear sound. · A colleague reports her own marriage is just as sound today as yesterday. She also says I should stop worrying & learn to love the bomb. · When I came home, my dog kissed me, to my surprise. I thought, “Is this how it starts? Will next he propose?” But it was just a kiss hello. · Two nights in a row the cats have kept busy coughing up hairballs on the bed. The repetition gets old. · Read Mike Davis on the connection between industrial farms and the making of swine flu. · Modifier of the day: tergiversating. · Barred owls are duetting in the yard. · It is a far far better thing that I do, than I have ever done, to be done with A Tale of Two Cities. · So what next? I must read Henry VI 2–3 to keep pace with K, & I’ve ½-doz. other books I’m in the middle of. But I could also start another.. · I wonder when Americans will wake up to the threat of the NAFTA Superhighway? · Americans should be more wary of gov’t reports about swine flu. This outbreak looks like bioterrorism. Maybe from the secret Al Qaida lab? · AE’s docudrama about Cherokee emphasized 1820s-era internal politics. Nice. No mention of Cherokee Phoenix (though Boudinot was a player). · The MSM is using the polls that the president is popular as an excuse to cover up how unpopular he is. Wake up, America! · I brush back my long, full locks, shameless! · Four nights straight of cat barfing and now, an overflowing toilet. · I am not sure what it means when a Hall & Oates song wells up from the depths of my memory. But I do know your kiss is on my list. · Happy May Day! · I must have twisted my ankle yesterday, but I don’t remember when. I wasn’t carrying any burritos. · TOAST IS A NUTRITIOUS LUNCH. · I was once in a production, not of Hamlet, but of another play, in which Polonius cared about Ophelia. I tend to think we played him wrong. · I wish the Press-Citizen‘s Twitter feed were more than a link farm. · Oscar & Lucinda is quite inventive! Ralph Fiennes and Cate Blanchett are great, of course. The disk had too many scratches, though. · There is a line in O&L, “One was a compulsive gambler; the other was obsessive.” I didn’t figure out which was which until this morning. · Meeting S—— C—— & fam in the Amana colonies in an hour—I will assume you want me to say hello; if there is anything else I need to pass on, LMK soon! · The amount of satisfaction I get knowing I will soon be able to watch Angel anytime I want is probably unhealthy. · The wiring in this house is inscrutable. · SQUIRRELS GO AWAY THE SEEDS ARE NOT FOR YOU. · Opperknockity tunes but once, y’all. · One of the most recognizable squirrels in our neighborhood is dead. RIP White-Puff. · FTR, uncontrollable rage does not help one think kindly of others. · In Sharlet’s latest, about Christian soldiers, is a claim by one of his interviewees that, in the military, adultery is illegal. Seriously? · My god I am on a short fuse lately. Somebody show me how to unbunch my panties, please, because I can’t seem to do it myself. · Tonight on Smallville: Clark’s search for Chloe is futile, just like the rest of his miserable life as a superhero. · Liberated a single morel from a neighbor’s yard this morning. · Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do. · Have I mentioned how much I hate the stock photos [x] makes available? · Picked up Middlemarch at the library. (Time to dig in.) · Could there be a prettier morning to kick off Bike to Work Week? · While minding our own business at ye olde ice cream store shoppe, two dogs attacked N. Their people grabbed them, but it put us all on edge. · The new Dinosaur Jr track is like stepping into a land where guitars are raised by pixies & learn to play themselves by magic. · Every time I eat yogurt at work it drips on my pants. · Incomprehensible to me is why the Sabbath is every 7th day rather than every “7th day and those days which are perfect,” as today is. · Maybe I should parcel out my time in the evenings so I can not give myself room not to get things done. · MOAR PRETZELS · I grow more and more embarrassed at the fact Iowa’s farmland is rich, but limited (artificially). · Watch out! Mr. Edward Hutchinson’s flock of sheep contains several monsters! · Dear coworker who tries to dump her shitty jobs on me: I am not a potted plant. · When editing translations, OTOH you don’t want to misrepresent the original; OTOH, you don’t want to misprepresent the language in translati · Bought Steve Earle’s new album on Amazon for $2.99. The best part: It’s all Townes! · I have threadbare pants and the disposition to match. · Biker down on corner of Scott Blvd. & Iowa Ave., hit by a car. Paramedics were already there, so didn’t stop. She seemed conscious. · My collar flapped with the sound of a Queen of Hearts stuck in the spokes. · IME, “penis fencing” is, like, the only class you have to take for a PhD, it’s just that you take it a zillion times over. But maybe that’s · Foundations can be fickle. · It took long enough, but now I see why Zotero is awesome. · Sometimes I remember, with disappointment, that “critically” is misspelled in the Colbert Report’s opening theme. · Turned in another client’s work on time! · I think I would be a better person today if, in 1992, I had gotten a subscription to Ray Gun instead of Rolling Stone. · So long, and thanks for all the fish! · Everything is in its right place. · Newton & I pulled up a garbage back of garlic mustard on the creek. Unfortunately, there’s a lot more to pull. · Downside: It is Monday. Upside: Started listening to O Pioneers! (from Librivox). · Reading a report from National Mathematics Advisory Panel and NCTM’s “Principles and Standards.” Exciting afternoon! · I AM CRAZY IVAR. · “Close to ½ of all 17 year olds cannot read or do math at the level needed to get a job at a modern auto. plant” (Murnane & Levy, 1996). · FYI I was hijacked by an errant click. I don’t really want your feedback on anything. · Hey! Wait! I’ve got a new complaint. · I received my first McGraw-Hill job ads in six months tonight. Perhaps things are looking up? · Performance evaluations stink. · Trying to schedule uncertainty around inflexible events is nerve-wracking. · Sleeping the entire night is good in theory, but I have yet to see it put into practice. · jawiser can’t read this thanks to the HU firewall. Now’s a good time to bait him. · If I learned anything from season 7 of BtVS, it’s that Giles can always find more potential slayers. I am counting on Giles to come through. · Dear Steve Earle: There is word that means “pawn” and rhymes with “pocket” and “locket,” and no, it is not “pawn.” · Even if Cheney were right that righteousness cloaks recklessness, if it is still righteousness, it’s still right, right? · A would-be mass murderer has some moral authority in not in fact being a mass murderer. · Madlib time! If fine _____, appeals to _____, or pleas for _____ had the power to move _____, _____ would long ago have abandoned the field. · Cheney’s besieged CIA operatives are a bit much after years of reinforcing Pentagon intelligence at CIA’s expense. · Barred owls are outside, calling. · Lou: If you had any nerve you’d get together and march down to Wall Street and blow it up. Dynamite it, I mean. · Carl: That would be a waste of powder. The same business would go on in another street. The doesn’t matter. · It’s obvious Carl is the Obama administration. Score one for Cather! · Spilled yogurt on my pants again. · Spilled liquid paper all over everything · There’s nothing like working on a holiday weekend. · How refreshing “Appalachian Spring” can be! · The End of the Affair has a fascinating story, though I’m not sure it filmed well. · I am quite tired of allergy medications, thank you very much, and wish they would go away. · I am quite tired of allergy medications, thank you very much. · Here it is 2009, and the meaning of “empathy” is the talk of the town. How quaint! · w00t! I’m going to see Josh Ritter in Des Moines! · How can I put this in a way so as not to offend or unnerve? There’s a rumor going all around that you ain’t been getting served! · “Claims… that children… cannot learn certain content because they are ‘too young‘… have consistently been shown to be wrong.” · No one would accuse John Yoo, infamous seeker of loopholes for torture, of empathy. Which is as it should be. · I strive to someday also be described as “always value-added.” · Bike-to-work days are awesome. · Learning formal argument analysis “can make students less rather than more critical… by teaching them how to defend their prejudicies.” · Kudos to Rachel Ellen for her lyrical reading of O Pioneers! (Librivox) · I do not recommend simultaneously riding a bicycle and eating gummi worms. · Dear BOSSMAN, please please please please let us buy professional publishing software like InDesign. · Covered: $130.54; not-covered: $1,893.56. Peeps, that’s what I call prescription drug coverage! · Watching Angel is great reason to stay up too late. · The words do not exist to represent my hatred of mini vans. · Haha! Rafa’s out! · One possible solution to murders at “safe” places like schools: arm the teachers, of course. · Awkward discussions about past and potential colleagues are awkward. · Lookout, Mama! There’s a white boat coming up the river! · Dear Internet: Help solve a family dispute. Did Charisma Carpenter have a boob job between BtVS & Angel? · Anyone know a good middle-school science teacher and writer in the Iowa City area looking for work? · Sinus headaches are for every day! · Claritin-D has unfortunate side effects. · Dear Vietnam, SET SEAN FREE! · I learned today the corollary to “step on a crack, break your mother’s back,” which is “trip on a crack, break your own.” Ow. · I’m kinda dreaming about an espresso cooler from the Java House. · MOAR COFFEE is not really a good idea, but… · Why any MP3 download would cost more than $10 is deeply perplexing. · Oh no! I’m at the end of the workday and I didn’t get a chance to JAM!! · It would be nice to be informed whether work has indeed stopped buying tissues, · NAFTA Superhighway, y’all. Beware it. · I have said it before, but today bears saying it again: Giles always finds more potential slayers. · Why buy pancake mix when they are so easy to make? (Speaking of: Mmmm, pancakes.) · Robert Earl Keen is quite the performer! · I totally cooked the basmati rice wrong. · Sometimes weekends just become lost. · In Jr. High I remember a vending machine that would give up two pops for the price of one, but only if you punched the button twice, fast. · Trying to imagine the arithmetic: “Whether it be Rock ‘N’ Roll, homosexuality or abortion—the common denominator is apostasy and idolatry.” · My banana smashed my sandwich. · “Document” and “Green” were really kickass LPs, you know? · Three interviews in one day is hard. · The one drawback to biking to work is the half-hour it takes to stop sweating and become presentable. · BHO, 2006: “[J. Roberts] has far more often used his… skills on behalf of the strong in opposition to the weak.”· One week, then: Rochester ho! · I’ve listened halfway through and can say that Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago is worth more than the $5 you can buy it for at Amazon. · The cow pictured on my yogurt cup has strawberry-colored sunglasses. · At lunch the wind was just strong enough to carry to my ears the song of an ice cream truck as it made its rounds through town. · I once believed privacy was best maintained through online secrecy; now I lean toward aggressive info management.· I have somehow managed to lose all of my black pens. · Anyone with full-text access to Wiley InterScience care to snag a PDF for me? · If I write a paranoid screed about modern government, can I be a featured guest on Glenn Beck’s program too? · To the Roberts’ court, “punishment of the innocent works as a close substitute for the punishment of the guilty.” · Newton laid down in a puddle this morning. I think it’s time to scale back the length of my runs. · Two elderly men across the coffee shop are shooting the shit about movie stars. · Grizzly bears with hand grenades are dangerous. · WTF Iowa Artisan’s Gallery? Who closes business for father’s day? · Tornado warning. · After a sleepless night camping in Michigan and an endless day driving across Ontario, we are finally in Rochester. · I pressed an apple, a papaya, and a quart of strawberries, then I mixed the juice into a poultice and applied. My hair doesn’t feel cleaner. · I’m looking forward to the Eastman House photography museum. We’ve made the plan to go tentative for years; this time it’s definite. · A small part of me is sad to miss the Meat Puppets in Iowa City—but not sad enough to regret this vacation. · Most of the Eastman House is standard dead millionaire’s mansion, but the current exhibits make me think t’would be great to study there. · Textbook publishing can be a disgusting business. · Unintended consequences that make me angry: A seagull, maimed by a fishhook in both beak and foot, just landed nearby. · Chasteners “rebranding” themselves to trash teenage girls less offensively. Why? Federal funds are important! · Modern doctors at for-profit clinics apparently take treatment advice from Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber. · This week I have drunk more Coca-Cola (and HFCS) than any man should reasonably drink. · When I know I shouldn’t roll my eyes but do it anyway, without caring if anyone sees, it is time to say adieu. · I am surprised that, according to Facebook, I have only two friends who are bona fide God fans. · Home in near-record time, no thanks to you, Mr. Overzealous Customs Dude in Detroit, who searched the car for no good reason. · I would be happier about playing catch-up at work if work sent me to the shores of Lake Superior—or any lakeshore, really—to do it. · I support equality because both justice and the breadth of love affirm that marriage should be a contract open to all. (OneIowa) · First meeting after vacation, & I am already hyperventilating over how we will manage to produce these publications in less than two months. · Not all potentials get to Sunnydale. Some are murdered by The First; others Giles never finds. But rest assured, some will make it. · More people are working at the White House and making only $40K than I would have thought. · Dear Las Vegas casinos: For only $53K + expenses (a full $17K less than Lohan!), I will gladly hold my birthday party in your luxury suite. · Ten months ago, Sarah Palin was a candidate for VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.· “Public Enemies”: Mostly boring with too little reason to care about either robbers or cops. · Fireworks from the steps of the Old Capitol rock 100% more than fireworks from City Park. · Today is like throwing wolves to the sheep. · My skill with a needle is not that of a ninja. · Apparently, Enya just left me a voice mail. · Josh Ritter in Des Moines tonight! · In a 399-1 vote, Steve King votes not to recognize the slaves who helped build the U.S. Capitol. Stay classy, 5th district! · Josh Ritter at Vaudeville Mews was fun—and corny. He’s a beggar for singalongs. Are his NPR groupies always as stoked as the frat boys tonight? · In the heady, hawkish days of Tom Delay, I am glad no one tried to rename French presses American presses. · I am even gladder that, in the heady, hawkish days of Tom Delay, no one tried to call French presses Freedom presses. Thanks t——s——. · If this map were the only data point, it would be safe to say that I have been fully assimilated by Iowa. · Now taking donations for a new pair of shoes. · Lately, I have had an obscene ardor for new stuff. This desire has created awkward moments that I am not proud of, such as at lunch today. · Lauren Berlandt has a blog. Who knew? · Heyn’s has peach ice cream, y’all. I recommend you buy now before I eat it all. · The drawback of slot-loaders: Disk 4 of Season 1 of The Wire is stuck in the DVD player. · While trying to remove the DVD, I learned the player was a focus of a class-action lawsuit 2 years ago. Thanks for telling us, Sony! · I really don’t like when things break. · Pesto: yum! · More Buffyverse: If 9 potential slayers make it to Sunnydale, statistically speaking, approximately 70% will survive the initial training. · Genetic engineering of human embryos is illegal and unethical, but selecting one’s sexual partners based on genetic factors is not. Discuss. · I really ought to carry my work clothes on days like this. Not even Richard Simmons could make “Sweatin’ on the A——” fun. · Inexplicable happiness overcomes me when New Order cycles around on shuffle. · Abstinence Clearninghouse has the right idea in selling purity rings for $329. Chastity shouldn’t be cheap, folks. · Look: I never wanted to be your weekend lover. · I know a dog who needs a good strangling. · I was about to say Helena Bonham Carter needs to act in more than just Harry Potter & Tim Burton shows, but she was in Terminator Salvation. · Blitzen Trapper at the Picador Saturday. Anyone want to come with? · Everyone else can just give up on winning the Press-Citizen‘s “Prettiest Pet” contest. · Will Friday afternoon never end? · Every night I give my baby a 1 cc shot—of love. · After leaving Sunnydale, potential slayers must survive on training and luck—but mostly luck. · Blitzen Trapper was good, but Loch Lomond was very, very intriguing. Good music all around! · July 20 marks 8 years since S—— L—— led a lovely group of wedding crashers in a round of “Kumbayah.” Thanks, Sam, & happy anniversary, K! · I rock performance evaluations like Koko rocks a kitten. · Saw HP6 yesterday. Except for Emma Watson’s overacting, performances were fun, & the plot acceptable. But JKR’s girls are very frustrating. · FTR: I’m making YOU a coat of pink cashmere. · Ahem. You can vote from different Web browsers, you know. · As of 5.30 CDT, Mr. Bingley is the #3 cat. That’s better, but NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Tell your friends to vote, y’all! · Two more votes and Bingley takes the lead among the cats! · If you haven’t done so yet, be sure to go here and vote for Mr. Bingley! Your vote makes a difference! · I heard this morning many people really like the health insurance they now have. I think mine is OK, not great. Is yours that much better? · I love when mushrooms spring from mulch. · I want Del McCoury to come back to Iowa City. · 240 votes for a guinea pig? Really! · The voting has gone well, everyone! Good work. Jane, Mr. Bingley, Newton, and all of us in our little household thank you for all your support! Since there are still 8 days left in this little competition, I won’t set up any voting events tomorrow unless · A parrot, a Harry Potter yipper, a dog with redeye and a dorky hat, and a guinea pig each get 100+ overnight votes. This vote is crooked! · Dear Press-Citizen: If you’re going to institute captchas to keep the parrot from voting, make sure they work before they go live. Thanks! · Buffy sometimes uses all the potentials at her disposal, leaving none behind for a rainy day. · Come on, y’all! Get your votes out for Newton!⁴ · Fact: Rachel Getting Married managed to make “Unknown Legend” even more wistful. That’s saying something. · Yippy dogs with plural names are nothing but trouble. Vote for Newton instead! · While you eat a good Saturday morning breakfast, why not vote for Newton in the process?· Don’t let dogs with sunglasses win! Vote for Newton! · If you haven’t done it already today, vote for Newton now! · Fruit flies! · Gosh this random panel script is sexy (ryanqnorth). · · Hendrik Hertzberg on the U.S. congress & health reform. · Waiting can drive a body mad. · Newton is in 2nd place! Vote & he has a shot at first! Tell your friends! · Over lunch I geotagged most of my photos on Flickr. I apparently take a lot of pics at home. · daaammmmnnn. no fair not to gank a dog wearing sunglasses!!! · How is it that many of my followers on Twitter came to be pornbots? · Vote for Newton! · ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG TEH GOV’T IS GONNA DICTATE HOW I DIE!!!!111 · Colin Meloy sings like he’s from the Pet Shop Boys, not Montana. · When even Velvet Underground doesn’t help, who can you turn to?! · fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfucketyfuckfuck. · I like the word “demoralized,” not the least because “moralized,” as a state in which to be, is not demonstrably better. · Randomness is underappreciated. · Taking comfort in the fact that good or bad is as likely to happen as not is not as difficult as it sounds. · If everyone said all Facebook ads were offensive, would they go away? · What? You can’t get drunk on coffee? You don’t say! · “I meet a crowd of people, / but I can’t face them day to day. / Though my problems are meaningless, / that don’t make them go away.” · Anyone want to buy a dog? Only $178. · Leaving our passports in the glove compartment for over a month really was an oversight. Honest. · Damn. NewsGator is shutting down synchronization of RSS feeds. · Correction: NetNewsWire will now only synchronize with Google Reader. · A perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfect, a perfec · This morning Newton met a dog whose nails were painted fire engine red. · Last night’s dinner, which was cauliflower-cheese pie & homemade whole-wheat biscuits, was even better for lunch today. #vegetarians · Saag with beet greens & potatoes, dal makhani, mustard-glazed beets, & homemade naan: dinner tonight was better than last night! #vegetarian · We need 30 votes to catch up to the #2 cat. Vote for Bingley! · The odds that K would run into her best frenemy the day before the frenemy was about to leave town for good were, all things considered, really good. As luck would have it… · Gazpacho tonight! Yum! · This morning: yogurt pancakes. · I have wearing a nice pair of jeans to work for years with little comment; today, the boss said, “You can’t wear jeans here.” She then added, “Someone will talk to you about that soon.” Is this a function: a) of the fact my department has moved to a stodgier division; b) of the fact the jeans are raggedier than they used to be; c) of the fact the bosses are being squeezed on the dress code? · What annoys me about the jeans debacle is how many people are bona fide frumpy. Anyhoo, I found a $3.53 pair of pants at Goodwill. That should satisfy them for a while. · For some inexplicable reason, I really want to go to the auction tonight. · I was only slightly relieved to learn this morning that, with regard to the rabid squirrel in my ‘hood, rabid squirrels are very rare. · Dear Internet: Is it kosher everywhere to cook a crock pot of meat at work, or just in the Midwest? · Fair day! · Oh noes! Im out of coffee! · I haz kaffee. · Why wouldn’t someone with a mathematics or mathematics-education degree want to apply for a writing-heavy part-time, permanent job? · Why does my work smell like a taco stand?! · Dear Michelle Obama: I, too, have recently been persecuted for my choice of clothing. I know how you feel. · I am still frequently surprised at how defensive people become when questioned or, as the case may be, mildly contradicted. · A long morning run makes the bike ride to work more… difficult than usual. · I get a little thrill when “Justify My Thug” comes up on shuffle. · Early blight is taking over our tomato plants, and all kinds of other fungi have infected the neighborhood. I want my dry, hot summer back. · Cicadas are late summer’s symphony players just as much as they arelate summer delicacies for my dog. · No one should die because they can’t afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the next 24 hours. · This weekend I developed three rolls of film which had been lying about for months if not years. Not much of anything on them, alas. · I spilled yogurt on my shirt again, dammit. · Testing notifications app. · Go Hawks! · Really tempted to by the Blueprint 3 on Amazon for $4. · Count me as surprised that Argentinians can grow to 6’6”. · Will Wilkinson is at times insightful and others tiresome, maddening in the way Libertarians often are, but I just learned he lives in Iowa City and not in the basement at Cato, and that makes him all right. · Dollhouse, yo. I wish we had an Olivia Williams to hover around the house with ambiguous motives. · Hooray for defense? · During the Iowa/PSU game last night, we were walking N-dog & listening to the KXIC game broadcast on a transistor radio. It was when Clayborn blocked a PSU punt and returned it for a TD that we discovered the AM broadcast was ahead of the TV. Ten seconds after we knew, houses throughout the neighborhood erupted in cheers; students in a house we were walking past did a little dance in their living room. · I CALLED YOUR PLAY. · Dear Phlegm Snorter at the Java House: Your territorial snorting succeeded! We have moved across the room, & you can rest easy. · Every few days I realize that I haven’t checked my cell phone for messages, then I promptly forget to check it for a few days more. · Unrequited love’s a bore. · No matter how careful I am, it’s always with the yogurt on the shirt. GAH. · Snow! · Rest in peace, D—— Y——, the only teacher whose classes at SWMS I remember in more than fleeting detail. · They repainted all the hallways last night in preparation for the annual meeting. But I don’t smell any paint! · Thanks, Martha Stewart, for your Cuban roasted sweet potatoes recipe! · I want your music recommendations. · OMG Facebook’s new “suggestions” feature is like having my grandmother nag me for not paying enough attention to my second cousin’s kids. · Go Hawks! · OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG HAWKS WIN! · I am really, really tired of xenophobia disguised as patriotism in my Inbox. · At the risk of sounding like Garfield…. Mmmm, lasagna. · Really could have used gloves for the bike ride to work this morning. · I try to be my best. · This morning, Newton & I almost became the goo beneath a Prius. · I want to play racquetball, Iowa City. · Cincinatti chili cooking on the stove makes this place smell like heaven. · “I crush Tom Swifties ‘neath my foot,” J—— P—— said archly. · Iowa City, you should go see Joe Pug at the Sanctuary tonight. I saw him this summer, and he’s good! · “Worse things could happen. We’re not at war. We live in a good country, we’re going to school for free, we’re living the American dream. We lost a football game. It’s pretty small when you think of the big picture.“—Iowa linebacker Pat Angerer (This is why I ♥ Iowans.) · Desktop humidifiers are awesome! So is Eudora Welty! · I take it as an article of faith that all bodily humours are in a state of constant flux. · Dollhouse, I already miss you. · I have a pasta maker! · Not far into a Google search for “simultaneous discovery,” you will find this: “The Simultaneous Discovery of Rectal Anesthesia.” · Something else you learn from BtVS season 7: Potential slayers come in waves. · Oh, look. Google is letting me invite peeps to use Wave. Speak up if you want it. · It was good to see the family in Searcy this weekend. Christian side hugs all around! · K really wants to buy an ebelskiver pan. But I want a dutch oven. “Mine is more practical!” I say. “Mine is on sale!” she says. · Please oh please oh please let the BS “Championship” game be Florida vs. Alabama again. · How great it is to be at work on Sunday. · Snow tonight! · Oh, look! I have 18 more invitations to Google Wave. Shout if you want on. (Though, to be perfectly honest, I’m a little perplexed why you might.) · It’s hard to describe the joy I feel from hearing work is cancelled. · FWIW, the postal abbreviation for Hawaii is HI. · When your snot freezes, it’s cold; when the mucous at the back of your throat freezes, it’s really cold. · Sunday afternoon is for cookies! · Merry Christmas, peeps!⁵

¹ FWIW, I also made a word cloud from the list at Wordle.

² In its early days Facebook prompted status updates with with a hard-coded “is” immediately following one’s name. The status update would overwhelmingly be populated by predicate adjectives, such as “Greg Bales is happy” or “Greg Bales is extremely dishonest.” Eventually, one could change the verb altogether, but the application still prompted you to read a status message as if it began with your name. It was in late March, while I was in Orlando, Florida, that I gave up that sentence construction altogether and assumed a status could be any kind of sentence at all. Facebook soon followed suit and no longer prompts with sentence construction nor, through design, any kind of syntax at all.

³ It was similarly in March that I began cross-posting between Twitter and Facebook. I abandoned that practice after my Twitter account was hacked.

⁴ In July and August I entered all of my pets in a local “Prettiest Pet” contest, then I pestered everyone to vote for four weeks straight.

⁵ Update. “Facebook recently published a statistical analysis of all updates (in English, presumably) across its 300 million users.